Saturday, December 6, 2008

There are moments which define your life...

It's been a rough time here since the last post. And, dammit internets, I can't even remember when exactly that was. So just do me a favor and scroll on down to find out for yourselves. My guess is about a week, but I could be wrong. In a minute you'll understand why I have no exact recollection of my last post.

On Monday, Emy began coughing again. She also had a few nosebleeds and fevers between Monday and Wednesday. By the time Wednesday evening rolled around she was coughing really bad and couldn't seem to stop. I tried everything OTC and even used her nebulizer. I really use the neb as a last result because the steroids have a nasty effect and she hates it. Nothing worked. I called our pediatrician, but she was out...of course. So off to the ER we went.

The dr examined her and found swollen glands, a fever, as well as the awful coughing. He ordered up another chest xray. After reading it, he diagnosed her (again!) with early pneumonia but this time tossed in the added bonus of bronchitis. We left with a script for a Z-pak and some rockin cough meds. I assumed all was going to be alright after a few days. But alright was not what was in the cards.

On Thursday I received a call from an ER nurse who put me through to a radiologist who informed me that he had 'officially' read her xray and noticed that within the cloudy (pneumonia) area there were also a few 'masses' and 'enlarged nodes'. This scared the HELL out of me. He recommended a CT scan. All info was forwarded to our ped. and we scheduled an appt for Monday @ 3. I freaked the hell out and called Big Daddy at work crying. Of course, it can be from the infection not going away completely the first time and therefore her lymph nodes would be swollen. RIGHT?! It could be many things. The radiologist mentioned a few things it could be, but one jumped right out at me when he spoke the word...


I can't wrap my mind around this possibility internets! She looks fine. She feels fine. No weight loss, no loss of appetite, no unexplained other pains. Yet I made the huge mistake of googling and found some scary info out there. What if? What IF? WHAT IF?????????????

So Big Daddy just wants me to chill the hell out until we have more information. I want the damn CT scan done and blood drawn NOW. He says that if it is our worse nightmare then we will just deal with it and everything will be ok. We'll fight. We'll win. I don't really feel it is cancer, but as a mom, my mind just jumps to the worse. I can't help it! Plus she's now been on antibiotics for 4 days WITH a 2 dose jumpstart bringing the total to 6. That's not counting the antibiotics she was on not two weeks ago for early pneumonia (a four day zithromax run). Yet she's still coughing. She's still got weird fevers off and on. There's no rhyme or reason to the fevers either. THAT freaks me out. When she says ouch...I FREAK THE HELL OUT!!!!!! My mind is racing constantly. What if?? WHAT if? WHAT IF???

There are moments which define your life...and I DO NOT want this to be her/our moment. I want this to be nothing but a simple infection. I don't even want to subject my sweet Emy to a CT scan which can also cause cancer. Yet I know we have to do this. I am asking for prayers internets. Prayers and you guys telling me that this is NOTHING. That you or someone you know has had a similar situation.

Right now, Google is my worse enemy. The hits that come back are truly horrifying. Heartbreaking. This is not what I wanted our Christmas to be about. I know I'm overreacting here folks, but this is MY GIRL we are talking about and I do not want any of that crap inside of her. I don't even want to think about it.

Help me here internets. Pray for nothing on the CT scans. Pray for normal body reactions to pneumonia.

Just pray.
We'd really appreciate it. Truly.

Oh and here's our Christmas card pic for this year:

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

How many times can a heart be broken?

Seriously. How many times can one heart take certain destruction and still somehow piece itself back together? How often does one have to be let down by someone until they finally realize that the pain is an inevitable part of life? How much hurt should one person have to endure? How many times can someone pick up the shattered pieces of their heart, pull themselves up off their knees, and stand up stronger than before?

How many internets?

Because I've done all of this entirely too many times. I've put myself right out there, heart on my sleeve, only to be knocked down over and over. And each and every time I have learned something from the pain. Initially it took me awhile to learn how to cope and come out stronger and more confident, but I've gotten that part down pat over the years. I've learned how to channel the pain into more constructive means like grad school and getting into a really good PsyD program. I've found that pain and anger are perfect fuel for getting amazing grades even with two girls, a home, and a husband to take care of. I've found that looking good and doing better are positively the best revenge for nearly everything.

What I haven't learned is how to avoid this pain to begin with.

I'm apparently incapable of learning this lesson. You'd think that after certain pain and anguish, this lesson would be one easily learned. But not for me! No way. I find myself walking the fine line and usually crossing over into the 'giving too much' side. This would be all find and good if I weren't doing this with the wrong people. Hmmmmm. Maybe that's the answer here folks. People. Maybe it's not so much me, but the people I trust to be what I initially thought they were. Maybe it's not ME letting myself down, but the people I am surrounding myself with.

You would think an almost therapist would indeed be certain what the problem is in this situation. But I think that's part of my problem. I always want to help people. I want to save the lost soul and piece them back together while helping them search for their missing pieces. It's not a fun position to be in. And it hurts on many levels.

But, hey I am predictable, at least. And I always end up coming out stronger and smarter albeit a bit scarred. This world can be a brutal place. People will let us down. But we have the power to take all of this and make something good come of it. I'm determined to do that again this time. No matter how much it hurts.

Monday, December 1, 2008

In my daughter's eyes

My sweet Emy is everything I ever wanted to be and more. She's sweet, caring, incredibly sensitive, fun, silly, beautiful in the most natural ways, sassy, and compassionate. She is everything that is right in this big and often brutal world. She is sugar and spice with a bit of sass and spark tossed in for good measure. She makes me want to be a better everything. Both of my girls do, in fact.

Emy came to us as a surprise arriving just 10 1/2 months after our wedding and a mere two weeks before my Nana passed away. She was, I believe, brought down on the wings of angels. I still tell her this. She even has a birthmark which is very clearly an 'E' on her back. She was marked and delivered directly to our family for a very specific reason. She brings joy and wonder to each day. And often when I look at her, my breath catches. She has shown me and continues to show me what a wonderful world this can be. She and Mags are my everything.

Here's my shining Emy from April of 2003 at age 6. How is it possible that she will be 12 in March?


One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

I love to read poetry. It's a bit geeky, I know that already internets. No need to rub it in. My favorites, you ask? Well, I love Whitman, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, and my absolute favorite, Robert Frost. His poems are so descriptive and feeling. The words read like a melody.

Here is my favorite Frost writing. Birches. I can almost recite the entire thing from memory. That's how many times I've read it. I love this poem for all that it shares and for all that it means. There are indeed worse things to be than a swinger of birches.

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

-- Robert Frost

Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I do. Have a great Monday everyone! Life returns to normal tomorrow when school resumes!! yipppeeeeee!