Tuesday, December 2, 2008

How many times can a heart be broken?

Seriously. How many times can one heart take certain destruction and still somehow piece itself back together? How often does one have to be let down by someone until they finally realize that the pain is an inevitable part of life? How much hurt should one person have to endure? How many times can someone pick up the shattered pieces of their heart, pull themselves up off their knees, and stand up stronger than before?

How many internets?

Because I've done all of this entirely too many times. I've put myself right out there, heart on my sleeve, only to be knocked down over and over. And each and every time I have learned something from the pain. Initially it took me awhile to learn how to cope and come out stronger and more confident, but I've gotten that part down pat over the years. I've learned how to channel the pain into more constructive means like grad school and getting into a really good PsyD program. I've found that pain and anger are perfect fuel for getting amazing grades even with two girls, a home, and a husband to take care of. I've found that looking good and doing better are positively the best revenge for nearly everything.

What I haven't learned is how to avoid this pain to begin with.

I'm apparently incapable of learning this lesson. You'd think that after certain pain and anguish, this lesson would be one easily learned. But not for me! No way. I find myself walking the fine line and usually crossing over into the 'giving too much' side. This would be all find and good if I weren't doing this with the wrong people. Hmmmmm. Maybe that's the answer here folks. People. Maybe it's not so much me, but the people I trust to be what I initially thought they were. Maybe it's not ME letting myself down, but the people I am surrounding myself with.

You would think an almost therapist would indeed be certain what the problem is in this situation. But I think that's part of my problem. I always want to help people. I want to save the lost soul and piece them back together while helping them search for their missing pieces. It's not a fun position to be in. And it hurts on many levels.

But, hey I am predictable, at least. And I always end up coming out stronger and smarter albeit a bit scarred. This world can be a brutal place. People will let us down. But we have the power to take all of this and make something good come of it. I'm determined to do that again this time. No matter how much it hurts.

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