Saturday, December 6, 2008

There are moments which define your life...

It's been a rough time here since the last post. And, dammit internets, I can't even remember when exactly that was. So just do me a favor and scroll on down to find out for yourselves. My guess is about a week, but I could be wrong. In a minute you'll understand why I have no exact recollection of my last post.

On Monday, Emy began coughing again. She also had a few nosebleeds and fevers between Monday and Wednesday. By the time Wednesday evening rolled around she was coughing really bad and couldn't seem to stop. I tried everything OTC and even used her nebulizer. I really use the neb as a last result because the steroids have a nasty effect and she hates it. Nothing worked. I called our pediatrician, but she was out...of course. So off to the ER we went.

The dr examined her and found swollen glands, a fever, as well as the awful coughing. He ordered up another chest xray. After reading it, he diagnosed her (again!) with early pneumonia but this time tossed in the added bonus of bronchitis. We left with a script for a Z-pak and some rockin cough meds. I assumed all was going to be alright after a few days. But alright was not what was in the cards.

On Thursday I received a call from an ER nurse who put me through to a radiologist who informed me that he had 'officially' read her xray and noticed that within the cloudy (pneumonia) area there were also a few 'masses' and 'enlarged nodes'. This scared the HELL out of me. He recommended a CT scan. All info was forwarded to our ped. and we scheduled an appt for Monday @ 3. I freaked the hell out and called Big Daddy at work crying. Of course, it can be from the infection not going away completely the first time and therefore her lymph nodes would be swollen. RIGHT?! It could be many things. The radiologist mentioned a few things it could be, but one jumped right out at me when he spoke the word...


I can't wrap my mind around this possibility internets! She looks fine. She feels fine. No weight loss, no loss of appetite, no unexplained other pains. Yet I made the huge mistake of googling and found some scary info out there. What if? What IF? WHAT IF?????????????

So Big Daddy just wants me to chill the hell out until we have more information. I want the damn CT scan done and blood drawn NOW. He says that if it is our worse nightmare then we will just deal with it and everything will be ok. We'll fight. We'll win. I don't really feel it is cancer, but as a mom, my mind just jumps to the worse. I can't help it! Plus she's now been on antibiotics for 4 days WITH a 2 dose jumpstart bringing the total to 6. That's not counting the antibiotics she was on not two weeks ago for early pneumonia (a four day zithromax run). Yet she's still coughing. She's still got weird fevers off and on. There's no rhyme or reason to the fevers either. THAT freaks me out. When she says ouch...I FREAK THE HELL OUT!!!!!! My mind is racing constantly. What if?? WHAT if? WHAT IF???

There are moments which define your life...and I DO NOT want this to be her/our moment. I want this to be nothing but a simple infection. I don't even want to subject my sweet Emy to a CT scan which can also cause cancer. Yet I know we have to do this. I am asking for prayers internets. Prayers and you guys telling me that this is NOTHING. That you or someone you know has had a similar situation.

Right now, Google is my worse enemy. The hits that come back are truly horrifying. Heartbreaking. This is not what I wanted our Christmas to be about. I know I'm overreacting here folks, but this is MY GIRL we are talking about and I do not want any of that crap inside of her. I don't even want to think about it.

Help me here internets. Pray for nothing on the CT scans. Pray for normal body reactions to pneumonia.

Just pray.
We'd really appreciate it. Truly.

Oh and here's our Christmas card pic for this year:

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

How many times can a heart be broken?

Seriously. How many times can one heart take certain destruction and still somehow piece itself back together? How often does one have to be let down by someone until they finally realize that the pain is an inevitable part of life? How much hurt should one person have to endure? How many times can someone pick up the shattered pieces of their heart, pull themselves up off their knees, and stand up stronger than before?

How many internets?

Because I've done all of this entirely too many times. I've put myself right out there, heart on my sleeve, only to be knocked down over and over. And each and every time I have learned something from the pain. Initially it took me awhile to learn how to cope and come out stronger and more confident, but I've gotten that part down pat over the years. I've learned how to channel the pain into more constructive means like grad school and getting into a really good PsyD program. I've found that pain and anger are perfect fuel for getting amazing grades even with two girls, a home, and a husband to take care of. I've found that looking good and doing better are positively the best revenge for nearly everything.

What I haven't learned is how to avoid this pain to begin with.

I'm apparently incapable of learning this lesson. You'd think that after certain pain and anguish, this lesson would be one easily learned. But not for me! No way. I find myself walking the fine line and usually crossing over into the 'giving too much' side. This would be all find and good if I weren't doing this with the wrong people. Hmmmmm. Maybe that's the answer here folks. People. Maybe it's not so much me, but the people I trust to be what I initially thought they were. Maybe it's not ME letting myself down, but the people I am surrounding myself with.

You would think an almost therapist would indeed be certain what the problem is in this situation. But I think that's part of my problem. I always want to help people. I want to save the lost soul and piece them back together while helping them search for their missing pieces. It's not a fun position to be in. And it hurts on many levels.

But, hey I am predictable, at least. And I always end up coming out stronger and smarter albeit a bit scarred. This world can be a brutal place. People will let us down. But we have the power to take all of this and make something good come of it. I'm determined to do that again this time. No matter how much it hurts.

Monday, December 1, 2008

In my daughter's eyes

My sweet Emy is everything I ever wanted to be and more. She's sweet, caring, incredibly sensitive, fun, silly, beautiful in the most natural ways, sassy, and compassionate. She is everything that is right in this big and often brutal world. She is sugar and spice with a bit of sass and spark tossed in for good measure. She makes me want to be a better everything. Both of my girls do, in fact.

Emy came to us as a surprise arriving just 10 1/2 months after our wedding and a mere two weeks before my Nana passed away. She was, I believe, brought down on the wings of angels. I still tell her this. She even has a birthmark which is very clearly an 'E' on her back. She was marked and delivered directly to our family for a very specific reason. She brings joy and wonder to each day. And often when I look at her, my breath catches. She has shown me and continues to show me what a wonderful world this can be. She and Mags are my everything.

Here's my shining Emy from April of 2003 at age 6. How is it possible that she will be 12 in March?


One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

I love to read poetry. It's a bit geeky, I know that already internets. No need to rub it in. My favorites, you ask? Well, I love Whitman, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, and my absolute favorite, Robert Frost. His poems are so descriptive and feeling. The words read like a melody.

Here is my favorite Frost writing. Birches. I can almost recite the entire thing from memory. That's how many times I've read it. I love this poem for all that it shares and for all that it means. There are indeed worse things to be than a swinger of birches.

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

-- Robert Frost

Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I do. Have a great Monday everyone! Life returns to normal tomorrow when school resumes!! yipppeeeeee!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Of November's Past...Part Deux

Oh my! Oh no! I didn't realize that I haven't posted since the 28th. I am sorry internets. I really am. Days have flown by and we've been super busy. It's been nice having Big Daddy home to help referee the girl's fights since Wednesday. Unfortunately he heads back to work tomorrow and they are STILL off! But, I do have a plan! We're going to head out to the movies to see "Bolt." How much fighting can be done in a dark theater?? I'm hoping none.

Aside from a bit of shopping, I've been organizing the house like crazy and donating tons of crap that we just do not need. The girls and I totally stripped the play room down and filled 3 (THREE!) bags for donation. I even managed to clean out our armoire which holds masses of linens and towels. And, OH HELL, do we need to get some new towels. LOL The girls room has been torn apart and organized too. I just have to tackle the computer desk which is home to Big Bess, our desktop. I hate cleaning that desk with a passion since it contains all of our household paperwork, Big Daddy's fire dept papers, and much more. I may find the motivation to tackle that on Tuesday.

And then? It's time to decorate for Christmas! Time FLIES internets! I promise more witty and interesting posting will resume once the ladies return to school. It seems they suck the genius right out of me!!

Here's a collage of Mags from November 2002. She's only 3 in this one and SO cute.


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Gobble Gobble ya''ll

It's 7:36 pm EST and everyone has finally left. We always host Thanksgiving for some ungodly reason and each year I swear it won't happen again. But it does. I am exhausted internets. Truly and utterly exhausted. All the setting up and taking down and cleaning up. Quite honestly it's a pain in my ass.

And on that happy note, I think I'll end your misery and this post.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgeve!

A conversation in our house a mere hour ago. First I need you to picture one girl in the kitchen and one in the living room screaming back and forth with me in between rooms suffering from a pounding sinus headache.

Mags: We should be off today too. It's the day before Thanksgiving.

Me: But it's not like Christmas Eve, dork.

Emy: No, it's Thanksgeve! The day before Thanksgiving. We should be off.

Mags: We should be off all of Thanksgiving weekend.

Me: ummmmmm, NO! That's not a good idea. Not. At. All.

Emy: It's Thanksgeve!

Me: You do know that sounds weird. Like, Thanks and skeavy put together.

Mags: I don't care what it sounds like, we should be off.

After this brilliant exchange I promptly shoved them out the door so that I could finish my last paper before they are home again. Because, guess what internets??? It's early dismissal yet again. LOVELY!

Also I have to mention that only here in the great Pocono Mtns are the schools closed on Monday. Why? Well, because it's the first day of DEER SEASON!! Makes perfect sense right. Truthfully it makes me a bit ill, but I'm in the minority on this one.

Have a great Thanksgeve,

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Of November's past...

I've been planning a few collages out in my head for November and decided to focus on some older pics I have lying around the hard drive. I'll more than likely do a few more so this could very well be part one. You never know...I'm quirky and spontaneous like that internets.

Alot of the time I am shocked at how different my girls look from year to year. In this case though, not so much. It's obvious they've changed and matured since '05, but this picture captures more than that imo. This pic reminds me how sweet they can be. That is, until the fighting starts again. Oh, wait. What do I hear? Yes, that's definitely bickering coming from these sweet angels. Ahhhh music to my ears.


Ugghhhh. Hey internets, I think I'm sick.

This is what I get for being supermomma and waiting on my sweet Emy hand and foot while she had pneumonia last week? THIS? This is not the prize I was hoping for guys. Some flowers? Dinner out? But not a sore scratchy throat, raging sinus pain, and a general feeling of ick. Nope, this is not what I had planned. But this is what I expected. It is, after all, what happens almost every time one of the girls is sick. I have a rotten immune system and even worse sinuses. I'm lucky like that.

This yucky feeling does not, at all, help my current aversion to Thanksgiving either. In fact, it makes it far worse. I'm kind of bad at being sick internets. I whine and get crabby. I generally make everyone around me wish I would just disappear. And I'm certain they've all pictured ways to make that happen a few times, especially Big Daddy. He's much better at being sick. It happens so rarely to him that he just kind of deals. Me? I don't have that kind of ability. I don't deal. At all. I force myself to get things done and in turn make myself more miserable. It's a bad time for all involved.

I'm loading up on liquids, Dayquil, Nyquil, all quils *lol*, and vitamins in an attempt to stave off a full blown sinus infection. So far, no fever which is good, but I don't always get fevers when I'm infected...hee hee. I am tempted to call up good ole family doc for some superb antibiotics, but I think I'm going to try to kick this one on my own first. This never works well for me either. Apparently my body lacks this ability as well. Just chalk up another weakness. It's okay if you want to make a list internets. I know I'm pretty pathetic.

I'm hoping to get some collages done of past Novembers and post them a bit later. Of course, I'm also hoping the laundry which is in the washer and dryer will finish up themselves. Oh! And can anyone stop by to unload the dishwasher and clean out the fridge? That would rock internets. That really would.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Simply because I have no self control

I stalk the Twilightmom's website in an effort to get the very latest Twilight Saga info and news. I have no excuse for this other than the fact that I have no self control. But I will say this, the house is clean, the laundry is done, lunches are packed, supper has been served and cleaned up, so I feel I have the right to do this. These excuses also make me feel better when reality sinks in that I am, in fact, addicted to a vampire love story written for teens.

Now that I've gotten all of that yuck out of the way. Internets, can I just tell you how I almost dumped the laptop on the floor to jump for joy about this news:


Do you know what that is, internets? Well, do you? It is what all of us die hard lunatic and possibly insane Twilight mom's have been waiting for...a press release announcing that Summit will move forward with production on New Moon which is the Twilight Saga book 2.

Which means that we will see the werewolf pack in all their hairy glory. It also means that I get about 2 hours of movie time while staring at this:


And, in case you haven't realized it yet, this is very good stuff right here. Grade A quality. New Moon promises to be even bigger and better than Twilight with a much larger budget. It's a good thing, as Martha would say. And, internets, it almost makes Big Daddy's surround sound playstation playing a little less painful. Almost.

Where I briefly lose my shit.

It's Thanksgiving week internets. Yes, yes, I know you know. I'm just letting you know that I know too. I'm also letting you know how very much I dislike certain holidays. It's not that I don't understand or respect the point of these holidays, it's just that they tend to irritate me for various reasons. Reasons which I will spare you from, for the most part.

Thanksgiving is one of these holidays. I am thankful for all that I have every single day. I see my family (meaning parents etc) often. Sometimes a little too much if ya get my drift. We sit down at our kitchen table for a family meal every evening. So I just don't see the need to sit down and gorge ourselves on turkey, stuffing, pie, cranberry sauce, and much more just because the pilgrims said so. I can think of many more useful things I'd rather do with my family than this.

So, why don't we do these other things? Why internets? WHY? Because Big Daddy is a traditionalist, that's why. He likes things to be the same every year and he likes to follow traditions. Me? Not so much. I could be perfectly happy tossing tradition right out the window and heading into NYC to roam around. I could also be perfectly happy packing up some food and heading out for a hike. Either of these things would work well for me. But, no, it'll be all of our family arranged around the table with a big dead bird in the middle.

Honestly, I'm not even certain where my Thanksgiving aversion has come from. I used to kind of enjoy it. Used to like setting the table all nice and pretty with the china and good wine glasses. I think that was the new wife and mother thing though. Being the happy hostess and all. But it's kind of worn thin at this point. Could my issue have something to do with the fact that the girls will be home for 5.5 days over Thanksgiving? Yeah, that's a pretty good shot. The fighting will ensue around day 1.5 and not end until they have to return to that blessed institution. I'll have had it with the board games and crafts by day 3. Maybe by day 2. Kind of depends when PMS strikes.

So, there ya have it. Me losing my shit over Turkey Day. Going all batshit crazy just because I can, more or less. There is no rhyme or reason to it and guess what? There doesn't need to be. It's my rant and it's my blog. :)

Have a Happy Monday interenets!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcasts...

It's been a busy weekend and that's putting it extremely mild. I missed a post for NaBloPoMo yesterday...*OH NO!* But I promise to make it up to ya internets.

Here's a brief round-up of the not-so-innerestin things I've been up to:

~ I let the dogs in and out about a million times
~ I searched and searched for the perfect laptop and then hunted it down in store.
~ I shopped til I dropped
~ I cleaned the house top to bottom and did 12 loads of laundry
~ I took care of Little Miss Pneumonia (the phrase High Maintenance is NOT even close)
~ I grocery shopped
~ I saw Twilight and desperately want to see it again

All of this and more in about 2 days. I still have tons to do, but I'm not all that interested at getting any of it done. LOL I do need to purchase a new wireless mini mouse for the laptop. Touchpads and I? We don't get along all that well. I get frustrated when I can't get things precisely how I want them. OCD? Yup, I know. And I do believe I've admitted to that in an earlier post so THERE!

Tomorrow promises regular witty posting with plenty of blah blah blah stupidity and possibly some new photos. All depends on my level of motivation to run out and get a mini mouse. Chances of that are looking good today, but are subject to change at any given moment. ;0P

And internets? Never ever give two tween girls free reign of a high end mall. Never ever!

We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcasts.

Friday, November 21, 2008


Internets, my sweet Emy has been fighting this awful fever and general ickiness since Wednesday. Today we'd had enough and decided a trip to the doctor was needed.

Guess what my girl has? Pneumonia!

I couldn't believe it. She hasn't complained at all about her chest hurting and her cough sounds very dry. But, sure enough, there it was on her chest xray. So she's loaded up on the Zithromax and is all snuggly warm up in her bed. I'm hoping she gets some rest since she looks soooo tired and just plain worn down.

Thankfully, there was only one small spot in her lung which looked 'juicy' as the doctor put it. That right there gives me a pretty gross feeling. Juicy lungs?? YUCK!

After school, Mags and I are off to see Twilight. It's a good thing when the grandparents all live very close and are available to sit until Big Daddy gets home. I did have to promise Emy that I'd take her as soon as she feels up to it. I'm not going to complain about having to see it more than once!!

Have a good Friday internets!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Oh! But it's so beautiful there.

It's an inevitable comment once I mention where I live. And, while I do appreciate the compliment. While I do agree that, yes, it is beautiful here. There is always that part of me that wants to scream out BUT do you know how hard it can be to live here. To live here full time. Not just have a summer or winter home here as so many do. Not just to visit with the throngs of tourists which invade us each season. But to truly be born and raised here. Do you have any idea how difficult that can be?

Growing up in the Pocono Mountains is fun. Our small hamlet is extremely safe. It's a place where you can let your children run free in the yard (free range children. OH MY?!!) without concern. It's a place where your neighbors know you and your parents and usually your grandparents as well. There's tons of outdoor adventures to be had from skiing to river rafting. We've got great hiking trails and are a virtual mecca to the mountain biking enthusiast. Yes, all of this is wonderful.

But, for someone like me. Someone who needs action. Someone who loves to go to NYC just to sit at the cafes and read or people watch, this town can be stifling. I long for more. I'm admittedly a bit high maintenance. I love nice things. I enjoy having the latest tech toys. Do you know how far the nearest mall is? It's nearly 25 miles. Do you know where the closest Barnes and Nobles is? Again 25 miles. My closest store is Walmart and even THAT is 2 towns away.

I never had the luxury of just grabbing my two ladies and heading out to a zoo for the day. Not without a pain in the rear drive to Philadelphia anyway. Everything interesting to me is a full day event. A long drive. Tolls and gas. Even my favorite runs to NYC don't fill the need. I want to live in the middle of it. I want to experience all there is out there. I want my girls to see everything this world has to offer outside of our protective mountains. I don't want them to be close minded to certain ideas simply because of this town.

But I'm just a big dreamer, really. I have hopes that NYC will rub off on the girls (and they do love it there) and one of them will attend college there. But I know I'll never really get to live in New York City or any other city for that matter. No, this town, this place, it doesn't allow you to leave so freely. So I have my daydreams. I have my weekends spent wandering around lower Manhatten. I'll always have my dreams.

And I'll always hear:

Oh! But it's so beautiful there!


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Well, Hello there Werewolf

Wow. Just wow. I really thought I was strictly a vampire girl. I mean, who doesn't like their men cold, dead, and sparkly? Right internets?! But I just caught a glimpse of a photo of Jacob. Jacob is a werewolf for those of you not following along, book in hand, eyes crazed whenever someone interrupts you.

And, well ladies, Jacob? Yeah, the dog is hot. Seriously hot. And while I will always be a true vampire lover. I can totally see how Bella could be swayed by this:


See what I mean? Dark, mysterioso, and smoldering. Hell, I'll bark to that baby!

Only 1 day 9 hours to go as of this posting.

101.2 degrees and Science

That was my Emy's temperature when the school nurse called yesterday. My sweet girl felt sick all day long yet decided to tough it out until about 2 pm. Why? You ask?? She didn't want to miss SCIENCE. ewwwwwww.

Emy loves Science and she's good at it. She has a 100% in it. When I saw that on her report card. I couldn't believe it. I mean, my girls always have excellent grades. They are very lucky in that they rarely have to work hard to get anything. Studying?? Not really necessary for them.


Well that's just unheard of. And, let me tell ya internets, 6th grade's friggin hard stuff. Plus Emy is in the advanced class. When I look over her homework, I am intimidated by the crap. But she just smiles like she actually enjoys it! She enjoys science! Where did I go wrong????? LOL Her teacher is constantly telling me how bright she is, how she has a future in the sciences, and I glow because I am full of pride. But, internets, can I just tell ya something?? I hate science. Science and I are not on speaking terms. It hates me just as much as I hate it.

The thing that's a bit weird in all of this is the fact that since she was about 3 yrs old, Emy has said she WILL be a veterinarian. Not that she wants to be one when she grows up, but that she IS going to be a vet. And now all this science stuff just molds perfectly to her life plan. This child has always had an 'old soul'. She's always been a bit more tuned in to everything, a bit more sensitive to others (animals included), and she's always been much more mature than her numerical age. So I guess this science thing shouldn't really throw me all that much. She's known what she wants since day one and she's setting off to do it.

But SCIENCE??!!! That gene definitely skipped a generation! Uggghhhh.

Vintage Emy circa 12/2002


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This one's for the girls. My girls.

This is a post for you to read a bit later in your lives. I'll know when the time is right. And, that time may not come for quite awhile. I know this because I've lived it. This is also a post that may hurt you a bit. It may slightly upset how you see our family. I'm hoping you'll see beyond that and understand that all I want for you is the best of everything. This is why I'm writing this. So, please, trust me on this one.

This is also a post which will have the power to hurt someone I love and care about deeply should he read it. This is not my intention. I simply need to put this out there for our girls and I'm sure you of all people will understand eventually.

So, here I go jumping off into the unknown on this one.
This is a post about what we long for, what we settle for, and who we're meant for.

Dear Ladies,

Of everything I hope for the two of you, the one thing which I hold highest is the wish that you find true love. It does exist. I know this for a fact. It's elusive and painful. It's a long time coming sometimes. Yet at other times it's right there in your face and you are too young to fully get it. It has the power to destroy you, but it also has the power to make you whole. It is what makes you feel the most alive. It makes all of the colors in this big world we live in just a little brighter. It can give you everything you've ever dreamed of, everything you've ever hoped for, and everything you will ever need.

Love is the reason to go on.

Love should never leave you hanging when you need it the most. Not true love. Love should never make you feel like less of a person or belittle you. Love should never be screaming in your face while listing all of things that you do or have ever done wrong. Love should never be manipulative or controlling. This is not real and true love.

Love will hurt you at times, though. You should know this. You should be prepared for this. It's powerful and all consuming. It's wonderful and it's painful. If you should lose the person you love, you will grieve even if you did not lose them to death. I have lost someone to death. It was like having part of my soul torn right from my body. He was my very first love and you never ever forget that. But he was not the love which I was truly meant for.

You will learn that what we long for, what we settle for, and who we're meant for can all be different things.

What I want for you is to find all of this in one person. It does not just exist in movies. It is very real and very powerful. I believe we do have soulmates. I also believe that our paths in life twist and turn around so swiftly that we may miss our opportunity to be with this person. So we find another love. A comforting and warm love and we cling to it. We'll eventually get to our soulmates. Maybe in another lifetime. But, remember, there is a reason for everything. Everything.

So, my ladies, please love deeply. But, pay close attention because as you walk through life, the person who is truly meant for you could be right in front of your face and you do not want to be too late to capture it. Always be happy. And NEVER EVER regret anything which brought a smile to your sweet faces. Never.

This song, this movie, this is what love truly, honestly is. It does exist and not just in film.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Why don't you stay?

I have always been moved by music. For as long as I can remember, music has been a very important controller and motivator of feelings for me. I think this comes from my Dad. He has a beautiful voice which brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. He used to sing in a Bach Handel Chorale and when I would go with him to practice I would sit enthralled. Because when this big tough Marine opened his mouth, people would gasp. Just the other day, he spontaneously broke into song in the shoe store (lol) and a woman stopped and clapped.

These days I am drawn to country music more than any other genre. I like the stories that the songs tell and I love the raw emotion of the love songs. The men of country music are pretty ok too. ;0) Of course, I still like to rock out to some Nickelback and Def Leppard. I'm not a close minded music lover. In fact, Def Leppard rocked my 80's so hard that it took half the 90's to recover!

So in the mornings, I get up and immediately turn on CMT. The music instantly makes me feel alive. But there is one song/video which brings on the tears and sobs each time. Sugarland is one of my favorites. I've loved them since the days of "Baby Girl" when both my little ladies would sing it at the top of their lungs from the backseat. Jennifer Nettles voice is pure country perfection. Kristian Bush's voice moves me in ways I can't fully describe. It's a gravelly sound that I just love. And he has mad guitar skills to boot.

Here's the song which is my ringtone. The song which makes me tear up and sob each time. The song which I sing *badly* as loud as I can in the car. It's from the 'other woman's' point of view. The woman who is left behind when the wife of her lover calls him home. It's not conventional, but it is beautiful.

PS: 3 days 13 hours 26 mins til Twilight is in theaters as of this posting!!!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I know what you are.

Sorry internets, but it's my blog and I can post as much Twilight stuff as I wanna. ;0)

There's a new and O.M.E (Oh My Edward!) clip out.

Can't. Control. Myself.
I do not care how much the venom burns, he can change me anytime he wants.

3, 2, 4, 1, 246, and 1

3 beds stripped and remade with fresh sheets.

2 loads of laundry already folded and put away.

4 loads of laundry left to do.

1 bathroom scrubbed clean and sparkly.

246 pages left til I finish Eclipse (Twilight Saga #3).

1 Booster Club Football and Cheerleading banquet to attend this afternoon.

Is it rude to bring Eclipse to the banquet? Don't tell me the truth internets. Just tell me what you know I want to hear.
Thank you for telling me it's not rude to read a vampire book at a banquet.

Have a great Sunday ya'll.


Saturday, November 15, 2008

How I imagine angels sound

Watch this now! Be ready for the most beautiful sound you've ever heard. Seriously.

Then check out their blog and leave them some love. The children are led by possibly the most inspirational teacher I've come across in a LONG time, Mr. b.

I've listened to this about 10 times now and it just doesn't get old.

No, you're way off Kris

Today I'm taking my dad shopping for winter boots. He's had the same pair for over 30 years. From the age of 8 through 17, he was in an orphanage so he gets ALL he can (and then some) out of everything regardless of his and my mom's income. Those boots have been through my entire lifetime.

So he needs new boots.

Last night while talking to him on the phone, I asked him how much he expected new boots to be. Because, you see, my Dad is still on 1950's pricing. So new boots, to him, should be around $2 or so. When I told him that these new fangled fancy dancy boots would be at least $100. He had a stroke. "No, you're way off Kris" was his remark.

Now, I know shopping. I'm a damn professional at shopping. I also know winter clothes etc because we snowmobile. But apparently, I know nothing of new boots for my Dad. So when we're standing in Dick's (and can I just tell you I love saying that I'm going to Dick's?!) and my father sees that not only am I right, but that these boots? Yeah, they're not made as well as the 30 yr old pair at home. I know that he will begin to have one of his little tantrums which usually involves loud complaints about not only the price and quality of the boots, but also the general suckiness of Dick's (hee hee). Oh! And he won't let it go. Not only because he's stubborn, but because he was a Marine and, I've learned, they never let ANYthing go. Never.

It will be at that very moment in time, that all of you out there in the internets will hear my pain ravaged screeching. And even when I tell him that I will buy the boots for him, even when I try to settle him down without cracking him with a baseball bat, he will continue.

There's my Saturday in a nutshell folks. My Saturday without the girls who will be shopping at a big outlet with my mom and her weird Red Hat friends. My Saturday without Big Daddy who is taking in a Penn State game with his bff. My Saturday with my Dad and his god damn boots.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The day I let Ms Mail Lady live

She's lucky. She had the box and I am now settling in with Eclipse. Friday night and vampire lovin.
What more could I ask for?

Oh! And here's a new collage with Lilly and Emy.


And then I smacked myself silly.

Today I am forced to accomplish something other than reading the 3rd Twilight book "Eclipse." The reason I am foced to do this is because Ms. Mail Lady did not bring me a box from yesterday. I cursed that damn woman as she walked past our big front window. Oh, how I despised her for not having the box which contained my last two precious books. I know it's not really her fault, but she was the only one I could glare at as I thought "WTF? How am I to live without my vampires??".

And then I smacked myself silly.

It's clear that I've lost it internets. When you are standing with an evil glare on your face condemning Ms. Mail Lady for not delivering your vampire books, when you are trying to figure out how you will survive without your's obvious that you've crossed a dangerous line.

But she had BEST have that box today!

So, I must do all the things I've been neglecting in order to sit and devour book after book. There's laundry, a paper for school, dusting, vacuuming, grocery shopping, and so much more. And *sigh* I suppose I can manage to struggle through it all without Edward and Bella.

But she had BEST have that box today!

Leaving ya'll with one of favorite pics from Vanity Fair Twilight cast photo shoot:


Now internets, just look at those smoldering vampire eyes and tell me you don't wish you were a cold blood yourself?!

Hell, he can bite me any day!!
One week til the movie's out!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I'm not afraid of you...

Please watch this. Please buy the books and read them. Then someone please tell me I am not clinically insane for being so into the Twilight Saga.
Twilight The Movie Teaser Trailer HD

But she only weighs two pounds!

I have a sad secret to share with ya internet. It broke my heart in many ways, but made me a better and stronger person too. So I suppose it's less sad and more bittersweet. Though, to me, the sweet part seems too foreign to be associated with such pain.

I wanted more children. I wanted more than the two blessings, for which I am supremely grateful, I was granted. My ideal number always hovered around 4. My body, however, deceived me. Without getting into the pathetic details (that is a few other posts, trust me!), I will just say that while I could technically have more children, it would not be a wise decision on my part. For my family, for the baby, or for myself. My physical limitations in this department frustrate me and did nothing good for my mental health. I suffered through a bout of PPD which nearly destroyed the person I once was. I became lost and terrified, heartbroken and weak. It was a very dark time in my life and to do it full justice I will also reserve it for a post of it's own.

I longed to adopt, but Big Daddy wasn't on board. I still daydream of adopting though. Big Daddy would come around, I know he would. But that would be a terribly unfair thing to subject any child to.

So, here I am with this gnawing need to nurture something small and brand new. Something undeniably mine. With another human baby out of the picture and my strong love of the animal kingdom, I did what tons of other saps do.

I got a puppy.

She's a tiny thing weighing about 2 lbs. And she'll only grow to be about 4-5lbs at her largest. She lets us dress her up and likes to be rocked like a baby. She's so adorable that you just want to eat her up. But best of all, she claimed me as her own. I went to the breeder intending on picking a puppy out. Intending on making the decision myself. What I got was this little thing which would not let me alone. She whined, she snuggled, and she forced her little self right into my heart. In essence, I got a baby. Maybe not the human flesh and blood kind that my heart yearned for, but she's all mine and I didn't have to risk my health for her. Well, maybe my sanity because she's a bit high maintenance, but she's so worth it!

So internets, I proudly introduce to you, making her world debut, Miss Lilly:


BTW, she's teacup Yorkipoo and she *hearts* fanmail. :)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Dear whoever decided early dismissal is a good thing,

First I'm going to clear the air so I don't get any hatermail because I know ya'll are out there ready to strike. You can come out of the dark's ok, I don't bite...hard. Yes, I love my girls. I love spending time with them and *gasp* there are days I keep them home from school to have a girly day and go shopping. However, those are usually days when I am all caught up with school, house, and work, work. ;0) However, these dreaded early dismissals always get me when I'm swamped. Or, maybe, when I'm just not in the mood for them. Either way, they can suck.

You see, having two girls is a blessing and a curse.

I was an only child and grew up across the street from a family who had 4, yes FOUR, girls. Sisters were super cool to me. I wanted that special closeness, that shared genetic makeup, and I even wanted the fights. Hey, being an only child is not all it's cracked up to be. Spoiled rotten? Yes. Lonely? Also yes. So you see, sisters were my dream. Once I had the one girl, I just prayed and prayed for another girl. And when Mags was born it was a dream come true in many ways.

But I clearly had not thought it through all the way.

I never saw the mother of those 4 girls and how utterly frustrated she'd become when the bickering just would. not. stop. And now that I am that mother, I can so understand the look of exhaustion she'd have before they even left for school. Here's a news bulletin for ya: Girls, they fight. They fight alot and they fight over everything. They also tend to whine. And that just grinds my nerves to the core. Yes, I know boys fight too. I know all siblings fight, but this is about me right now. :)

So, since the weekend I have been dreading the early dismissals because, truthfully, after listening to their fighting from the time they get up in the morning, I am THRILLED when it's time to walk to school. But these damn early dismissals mean that they will be dismissed...EARLY. Like right after lunchtime early. This also means that regardless of the mammoth 15 foot trampoline in our large yard, regardless of the gajillion toys occupying the play room (including enough American Girl clothes for an army), regardless of the ipods, Nintendo DS, Playstation, 6 computers, and enough other crap to occupy a normal child, regardless of all of this they will fight. And it will be over something stupid.

My other bitch about these early dismissals is that they are normally when it's cold out. Ok, not cold, but chilly-ish. It's going to be 50 degrees today which isn't really that cool for us here in NE, PA. And it will get increasingly frigid in the coming months, I know this. But it still limits what I can get the little critters to do outside of the house. The only blessed saving grace of summer is our pool, but that's clearly out. This means that by about 2 pm, but very possibly much earlier, I will be considering taping their mouths shut and shoving them in the attic. No, no, I would never reeeaaallllyyy do that, but it is a comforting thought when the bickering starts. Ya know. The option which, even though you know is not possible, still gives you the warm fuzzies.

So, thank you Mr. School Director or whoever you are. Thank you very much. I'll send the therapy bill straight to you. My therapy bill. The girls will be just wonderful. Me? Dead. Dying from bickering. I wonder if that's possible?

Did I mention the damn early dismissals are the rest of the week?
Margaritas please. El Grande Margaritas.

Yes, they are cutes, but the evil lurks just beneath the surface.



Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Playing Ketchup...

Since I'm 11 days behind on NaBloPoMo, I'm going to ahead and make a pathetic attempt to catch up by posting pics. :)
Easy stuff and cute faces. How could I go wrong?

First, our pumpkin patch collage. Pardon my fugliness, I was windblown-ish.

Next, Mags cheerleading collage. Another season of football done, time for basketball!


Fangs or Fur?

I can not stop reading these books.


Twilight Movie Pictures

These books are quite possibly the most incredible love story that I have ever read. I love Nicholas Sparks and he is, unquestionably, the master of heart wrenching romance. And, up until now, he was the only author that was able to make tears steam down my face as I held a book. Last night, as I sat reading New Moon, the second book in the Twilight Saga, I sobbed hysterically. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Truly amazing. I hold firm to the belief that love should be like that for everyone (not just for vampires) ;0) .

The first book literally took my breath away. I felt such passion for Bella and Edward. Felt so very connected to their story and their love. Felt the same overwhelming passion. That is how love should be. All love ~ without question and without fail. The fact that he is a vampire makes him all the more loveable, appealing, and, best of all, dangerous.

I wasn't expecting to become so tied up in these stories. They were written with young teens in mind. Oh, but they are SO good. The writing is poetic and so swear you can hear his velvety smooth voice in your ear, swear you can feel his cold hand on yours, swear you are staring at him in amazement, as Bella did, as he sits in the meadow and sparkles (yes, sparkles).

I, for one, am proud to say that I like my men cold, dead, and sparkly.