I have a sad secret to share with ya internet. It broke my heart in many ways, but made me a better and stronger person too. So I suppose it's less sad and more bittersweet. Though, to me, the sweet part seems too foreign to be associated with such pain.
I wanted more children. I wanted more than the two blessings, for which I am supremely grateful, I was granted. My ideal number always hovered around 4. My body, however, deceived me. Without getting into the pathetic details (that is a few other posts, trust me!), I will just say that while I could technically have more children, it would not be a wise decision on my part. For my family, for the baby, or for myself. My physical limitations in this department frustrate me and did nothing good for my mental health. I suffered through a bout of PPD which nearly destroyed the person I once was. I became lost and terrified, heartbroken and weak. It was a very dark time in my life and to do it full justice I will also reserve it for a post of it's own.
I longed to adopt, but Big Daddy wasn't on board. I still daydream of adopting though. Big Daddy would come around, I know he would. But that would be a terribly unfair thing to subject any child to.
So, here I am with this gnawing need to nurture something small and brand new. Something undeniably mine. With another human baby out of the picture and my strong love of the animal kingdom, I did what tons of other saps do.
I got a puppy.
She's a tiny thing weighing about 2 lbs. And she'll only grow to be about 4-5lbs at her largest. She lets us dress her up and likes to be rocked like a baby. She's so adorable that you just want to eat her up. But best of all, she claimed me as her own. I went to the breeder intending on picking a puppy out. Intending on making the decision myself. What I got was this little thing which would not let me alone. She whined, she snuggled, and she forced her little self right into my heart. In essence, I got a baby. Maybe not the human flesh and blood kind that my heart yearned for, but she's all mine and I didn't have to risk my health for her. Well, maybe my sanity because she's a bit high maintenance, but she's so worth it!
So internets, I proudly introduce to you, making her world debut, Miss Lilly:
BTW, she's teacup Yorkipoo and she *hearts* fanmail. :)